Poetry is my passion
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.