When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*