called in thicc to work this morning
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
This is my bus stop.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.