Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
never forget
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”