Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
He a real one for that
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.