me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
How do you milk an almond?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.