Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!