I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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Story of my life…..
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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Is there a class for just the karate noises?
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Have a lovely day 😊
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.