Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!