Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
You Might Also Like
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?