Thoughts
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
There is wisdom there.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?