Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Barbie gone wild
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.