When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Just so funny
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.