I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.