It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You Might Also Like
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.