I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
We found love in a hopeless place.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming