Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.