Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor