[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.