I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
What number SPF blocks people?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.