you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift