“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome