If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
You Might Also Like
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
#oldknees
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably