I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho