@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.