Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
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Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
constantly working on myself.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
A tragic love story in two pictures.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right