Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Has science gone too far?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.