wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: