First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
…u ok Nintendo?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you