Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”