Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Taking phone security to the next level.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: