Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
for all #parents out there
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.