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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.