Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
worst…sale…ever
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.