ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Duolingo getting serious.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.