Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
blocked.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”