I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.