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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*