me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
You Might Also Like
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Cashiers are always checking me out
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out