In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
no one ever comes back
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.