Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.