If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?