5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*Inspirational Tweets*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes