“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school