Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Meow
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
welp