Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
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I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin