Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else