Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I think this should do it.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.