[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
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DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location