The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Good Morning.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I identify as an antique shop.